lost in the corner of the couch

Motivation is a funny thing. One second we have it, the next we don't.

Where does it go?

Mine gets stuck in the corner cushion of my super-comfy couch. Or sometimes in an episode of Grey's Anatomy.

And then....

it takes forever and a terrible amount of self-discipline to get it back.

Today, I figure, God didn't want me to have motivation. I tossed and turned in bed last night, then woke up with a headache and a stomach virus. I wasn't supposed to be productive today. But why, when I am supposed to be "busy" and "keeping myself occupied" am I blessed with no means of drive or enthusiasm?

In a time when we think we need it most, why don't we have it?

Because we think we need it. And that is exactly why we don't have it. We spend days, or even weeks sometimes not thinking at all, just doing. And then when all the doing is over, its finally time to think.

Today, my doing is over. And now it is my time to think. God knows that, and he knew, on my own, I would've just kept doing. So, here I am, stomach virus and all, finally thinking.

Thinking it's all catching up to me now. All the "being strong" and the "I'll be fine"'s are finally catching up. Right now, I don't have to be strong.

I can be weak and I can cry as much as I want, because God blessed me with a day for being weak.

I don't have to be fine, because I'm not. Because today, I can miss him as much as I want and I can make as many wishes that he was still here that I can imagine.

God gave me today to think.

The world works in mysterious ways, and I'm certainly not one to try to figure it all out. But right now, I'm thinking I can recognize this gift anywhere.

We all can't be super superheroes all the time. Not even most of the time. Sometimes we have to let ourselves fall. Sometimes we have to sob. Sometimes we have to lay in bed all day. And all of the time, it's all okay.

I'm not motivated today. And I'm not driven, or enthusiastic. But right now, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for this headache, and for this massive bout of nausea. I'm thankful for Caly, who is cuddled up next to me. I'm thankful for the sunshine, which despite it's taunting cheerfulness, is just enough to keep me warm. I'm thankful that God decided that in spite of my to-do list and what I thought I wanted today, dealt me a different set of plans. I'm thankful that Romeo is finally where he lives to be. And he's finally out of the back-and-forth hell that has been the past 2 weeks. I'm thankful that he's happy.

The conclusion is this, when all the doing is said and done, stop. Slow down. Take time to be weak and know that it is ok. Be un-motivated. Lose your "I'll be fine"'s to Ben & Jerry's. Be weak with movie and a good cry. Think. And be thankful for that.