Sunday, January 31, 2010

expect your days to be long and weary.

that way you'll never be disappointed.

expect each moment to provide a different perspective on life.

know that on a whim, its ok to suddenly feel whirl-winded.

but know that this too, shall pass.

In this life, we experience such an enormous spectrum of thoughts,

and it is in our reaction to said thoughts

that our moments are determined.

We all have our times,

when in a blink,

or in the tick of a clock,

our days are upside down.

We can be energetic and happy,

and just like that, there may be anger

or tears.

It's good to feel a little backwards once in awhile.

To get lost in your own box of thoughts.

I think thats how we get to understand ourselves.

I'm certainly not saying to go

banish yourself to solitary confinement

to get to know yourself...

But learn to gauge your own reactions.

Grab that metaphorical mirror,

and watch yourself go through the ups and downs.

You'll see the happy you.

The one you were the day your world was completely upright and just right.

You'll see the pretending-to-be-happy you.

The one you are when you have the energy to put on a happy face.

And you'll see the broken you.

The one you are when things are just upside down.

Each one of these people represents your character,

and each one is a part of you.

Each one is our reaction to our own thoughts,

in our own perspective.

Expect your days to be long and weary.

Expect the pain to be the most excrutiating thing you can imagine.

Expect it to last forever.

Then know it is a blessing when it doesn't.

Our lives are all in our own perspective.

If we can see it all in a blessed light,

then our bad days are only half bad,

because we have faith to share our burden.

And even better, our good days

are filled with extra joy,

because we have love right there with us.

prepare for the worst, but hope for the best

always have faith
in what is meant to be.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

thank god.

18 years ago today, a little human was born.

He was small, and sleepy.

He cried a lot, and threw up a lot more.

He was kind of goofy looking at first, but he's grown up a lot now.

And now, he's 18.

And remarkable.

He's not funny, he's can't-stop-yourself-from-laughing hilarious.

He's an artist in his thoughts and creativity.

He does what is right, even if his brother or sister threatens his life.

He cares.

Even though he won't admit it, he'll cry at his sister's wedding.

He's handsome and charming.

And he's someone I am so proud to call my family.

Kev, even though I wanted a you to be a girl, I thank God because he didn't just give me a brother.

He gave me a friend.

And a confidante.

And a partner in conspiring against Kyle, or Mom and Dad.

And someone to throw the baseball around with.

And someone to eat everything I bake.

And someone to bring such sunshine and joy into everyone's life.

Here's to you HappyJack.

I love you, Kev.

Happy 18th Birthday!

Monday, January 25, 2010

about learning.

You've made me into who I've become.
Into the person that can stand before you with a smile.
You've taught me self-control.
To act upon diplomacy, not on instinct.
To buy with faith, not with money.
Open my eyes to all they can see.
Not merely to the focus and peripheral.
To move with the music.
Sing with the melody.
To drink to the future.
And to swallow the past.
Believe in dreams and fairytales.
But to be realistic in plans and decisions.
Say what I mean, and mean what I say.
And to not regret an ounce of experience.
To live upon ambition, on hope and on love.
To breathe the scent of compassion and of fear.
Learn to see others for who they are, not for who they aspire to be.
And to feel as if I would have no opportunity to feel that way again.
And to hear the sweet song of humanity.
To drown out the sounds of corruption.
And to love.
To love like you have only one more day.
But to make that one day
last forever.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

lost in the corner of the couch

Motivation is a funny thing. One second we have it, the next we don't.
Where does it go?
Mine gets stuck in the corner cushion of my super-comfy couch. Or sometimes in an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
And then....
it takes forever and a terrible amount of self-discipline to get it back.
Today, I figure, God didn't want me to have motivation. I tossed and turned in bed last night, then woke up with a headache and a stomach virus. I wasn't supposed to be productive today. But why, when I am supposed to be "busy" and "keeping myself occupied" am I blessed with no means of drive or enthusiasm?
In a time when we think we need it most, why don't we have it?
Because we think we need it. And that is exactly why we don't have it. We spend days, or even weeks sometimes not thinking at all, just doing. And then when all the doing is over, its finally time to think.
Today, my doing is over. And now it is my time to think. God knows that, and he knew, on my own, I would've just kept doing. So, here I am, stomach virus and all, finally thinking.
Thinking it's all catching up to me now. All the "being strong" and the "I'll be fine"'s are finally catching up. Right now, I don't have to be strong.
I can be weak and I can cry as much as I want, because God blessed me with a day for being weak.
I don't have to be fine, because I'm not. Because today, I can miss him as much as I want and I can make as many wishes that he was still here that I can imagine.
God gave me today to think.
The world works in mysterious ways, and I'm certainly not one to try to figure it all out. But right now, I'm thinking I can recognize this gift anywhere.
We all can't be super superheroes all the time. Not even most of the time. Sometimes we have to let ourselves fall. Sometimes we have to sob. Sometimes we have to lay in bed all day. And all of the time, it's all okay.
I'm not motivated today. And I'm not driven, or enthusiastic. But right now, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for this headache, and for this massive bout of nausea. I'm thankful for Caly, who is cuddled up next to me. I'm thankful for the sunshine, which despite it's taunting cheerfulness, is just enough to keep me warm. I'm thankful that God decided that in spite of my to-do list and what I thought I wanted today, dealt me a different set of plans. I'm thankful that Romeo is finally where he lives to be. And he's finally out of the back-and-forth hell that has been the past 2 weeks. I'm thankful that he's happy.
The conclusion is this, when all the doing is said and done, stop. Slow down. Take time to be weak and know that it is ok. Be un-motivated. Lose your "I'll be fine"'s to Ben & Jerry's. Be weak with movie and a good cry. Think. And be thankful for that.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Valuable investments

Today, I bought 2 books. I went out to run errands, to go drop things off. Not pick things up. Anyway, I ended up meandering into a local bookstore, and I bought 2 books.
I've got to tell you, I kinda felt bad. Aside from the necessities, this has been the first purchase I've made for myself since I've been married. Girls, you never think about it before, but once you get married, everything really is "ours". No, really, I mean EVERYTHING. Every hanger. Every piece of old lunchmeat that doesn't get eaten. Every pillow, and newspaper, and everything else in between. And thats an adjustment. I can share though. That's not problem. But then it comes to money, and thats where my comfort level falls apart.
I mean, I've always tried to be independent. Always (after an appropriate age) paid my own bills, bought my own clothes, and worked to do all of that.
and thennnnn.......
I got married and moved 450 miles away from that life.
And now, I share, and even moreso, I depend. And thats just weird.
So everyone is like, "What's the big deal? You bought 2 books?"
I didn't buy those books.
He did.
His hardwork and his paycheck.
And thats where things go gray. Its tough, to adjust. To stop "having to have" a new shirt every time you go out, or to buy something everytime you go to the mall. Its hard, believe me. Because the thing is, before marriage, if the money was there, you could spend it as you please. After marriage, even if the money is there, its not your money. Its our money. And you spend it as we please.
Nonetheless, today, I lost that battle. But now, I'm making sense of it. I spent a sliver of our money, but in order to continue our happy marriage, I have to be sane. I still have to do things that make me happy in order to make him happy in order to keep us happy. So today, I bought 2 books, and today I made a valuable investment in our happiness.
A super smart woman once told me
"you can't make someone else happy unless
you're happy with yourself."
Thats true, and thanks Mom.
The moral of all of this is this:
While Romeo is gone, or even while he's here,
do something for you.
Ladies, this doesn't mean go blow this month's rent
on a pair of shoes.
This means see a movie with a girlfriend.
Or buy some new underwear (he'll appreciate it.)
Or take a drive to the beach.
Or go get your nails done.
Or even....
Go buy 2 books.
Do it for you.
Do it for him.
Do it for we.
These valuable investments pay off when we is happy. Believe me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

So I think....

that when we try to make plans, God laughs. Not in spite, or in anger, but because he just knows better. No matter what decision or choice we make, its up to that Big Guy Upstairs to approve the paperwork, and personally, I think more often then not, once our choices come across his desk, he gets quite the chuckle.

Planning is ridiculous. I'm not quite sure whose idea it was to begin with, but they have poor judgement. I don't know who they thought they were kidding in tempting fate, and trying to decide our own destiny, but they're just flat out silly.

Someone very wise once told me that "everything happens for a reason, and if you can't find a reason, there is a reason for that too."

so here comes to optimism, and a list (which obviously always go hand-in-hand)
these are all of the things that I am going to do while Romeo is out-of-town-
  • Go visit the my favorite lovelies in GA
  • Roadtrip home with my PIC Caly, and visit family in time for some traditions.
  • Clean, and I mean CLEAN my car, and now the Jeep also.
  • Paint the interior of the house, and proceed in making it "home-y"
  • Volunteer, either with something directly related to Romeo, or in something completely different. Maybe both.
  • Practice cooking, because even though I have the thought of him eating MRE's for 6 months on my side, I could still use some practice.
  • Powerwash the deck, restain it, and make it a warm-weather paradise come warm-weather season.
  • Make friends.
  • Train. Marathon date May/June 2010. For me, and also because Romeo's request was to not come back to a wife who had doubled in size.
  • Finish Thank-you notes. Really finish them.
  • Play with Caly. All the time.
  • Write letters home, to everyone! Send cards and gifts, just because I'm thinking of them, which I always am.
  • Plant flowers. Enjoy springtime.

And thats what I have. I have things to do, and things to keep busy. But NO plans. Just a list. And love. lots and lots and lots of love.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


tell someone everyday that you love them.

not because we're never sure of our tomorrows, but because we're never sure of someone else's now.

it will NEVER hurt someone to hear that they're loved.
it will NEVER make someone's day worse.

it doesn't matter that tomorrow isn't a promise, but it does matter that right now is.
and to love someone, right now, in that very moment is all that matters.
God gave us love because he wanted us to feel warmth. Just as heat is measurable, and cold is adversely the absense of heat, sadness is the absense of love.
so don't hesitate the next time love is a thought, or the next time it may just be a whisper. be sure of right now and that not a
lovely moment
should ever

Friday, January 15, 2010

January 15th, 2010

And I am sitting on my back deck in a tank top.

And with this, Southern living is beginning to grow on me.
I think the trees are confused though, I mean my wardrobe is. I love these days, the ones that come out of nowhere just exactly when you need them. I needed a day in the sun, but honestly, I'd like to think I need everyday in the sun.
As an update, we're still waiting. No news is good news though, especially when it is almost 80 degrees outside. I can handle waiting today.
Romeo told me last night that he wasn't as excited to go to Haiti anymore. He told me that he was no longer looking forward to months of dirty clothes and sleeping in tents. He even went as far to say that with the thought of months of MRE's coming his way, my cooking was starting to look not-so-bad after all. This could all be working in my favor!
He can read my thoughts when I can't. He knows how I feel before I feel it. He amazes me.
but I know him too...
and for the man who lives for combat and adventure to say he isn't excited anymore, is enough to cause alarm.
I did this.
I've been too loving for him to want to leave.
Done too many loads of dirty uniforms and socks for him to want to go.
Made too many cookies for him to want brown plastic packages for months.
Played too many video games for him to want to go to a land of no communication.
How can I make this easier for him?
I've already done my best so he doesn't know I cry.
Stayed as self suffiecient and independent as can be.
Not nagged or clung to him and his every move.
As the wife of a man whose job it is to walk away at a moment's notice,
how do we make that task do-able?
I've been reading about the psychological toll that sudden deployments take on Soldiers, from the initial adrenaline and excitement, to the eventual second thoughts and worries. What as wives do we do to help?
The more we comfort, the more he wants to keep the security.
The more we calm, the more he craves the serenity.
The more we support, the more he wants to support us.
I guess the moral of all of this is theres not a way to make these things any easier. You just have to do it. We can spend day in and day out trying to rationalize and cope, but the more you try, the more you fail. Spend day in and day out praying for exactly what will help you make it through...
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I
cannot change; Courage to change the
things that I can, and the Wisdom to know
the difference."

Thursday, January 14, 2010

And as such, it begins...

So as I am beginning a new chapter in my life, I have decided (or have been coerced) to document my adventures via blog. My lovely cousins have verified through example exactly how much fun it is to journal thoughts and experiences for the world to share. I like to write, and I like to share stories and thoughts. Adversely, feelings... not so much.

I shouldn't say I don't like to do it, it just isn't my strong suite.

Feelings are sometimes so hard to identify, and so challenging to decipher exactly what feels like what. Sometimes being "happy" isn't just being happy, it could be excitement or relief. Sometimes being "upset" isn't just being upset either, it can be anger or pain. Feelings are certainly a struggle to make sense of, and when they're so tricky to figure out, it's even harder to cope with.

Right now, I'm sitting on the couch with my dearest partner-in-crime, Caly. She's our 5-month old Pitbull, and the sweetest thing in the whole wide world. No, seriously, she is.
Look, see?

Anyway, we're sitting here waiting (and waiting, believe me, is the highest form of torture I know of). My husband, which by the way is still really weird to say (does it ever stop being weird?) got orders yesterday to deploy to the island of Haiti to assist in the efforts after a monumental earthquake. Michael, my husband, and I have been married almost a month now, and are just finally getting situated and comfortable in our new home. So needless to say, as
things began to quiet down in our new life, something had to happen to shake things up a bit.
Who wants peace and quiet anyway?
So, I've been waiting on a phone call, or a text message, or smoke signals, or an email, or something to indicate any decisive direction in which this is going. Nothing.
So, I'm going to be an optimist now, and find the silver lining. And with that, I am sure I will keep my mind occupied.
Another thing I am sure of right now, is that I am thankful.
  • I am thankful for the FRG. Despite all of the things I have been told, I am BEYOND relieved that there are a few women who I can turn to and know they're feeling the way I am too.
  • I am thankful that my husband is ready and able to go help the people of Haiti.
  • I am thankful that I haven't ever had to suffer through something like the Haitians are.
  • I am thankful that I live in a country that has a sense of humanity and of a world community. As much as its may seem like it would be an inconvienience, every Soldier who will be leaving this weekend isn't the slightest bit unhappy about it. These men and women are dropping everything for the next 3-6 months to go help people they have zero relation to. That is humanity.
  • I am thankful that I have a family and friends who are by my side from 450 miles away.
  • I am thankful that God has given me the strength to be supportive, and to understand his duties as an American Soldier.
That's going to be all for now. But I'll leave this saying that no matter how "upset" or "mad" or "frustrated" I feel, it will all still be here. I'm going to make the best of all of this time, whether he is here or not, and I'll continue to be Thankful.