In my little world, all of those moments matter. They may not be a BIG deal, but they're a deal nonetheless. When I miss a moment that is not congruent with my universe, it's frustrating. And then, throughout Army life, where because of TDY's or deployments, we're nearly required to miss moments. I don't know that is something I'll ever get used to.
On Sunday night, Romeo was in an accident. I got the phone call at about 10:30pm, and from that point on, felt nothing but helpless. What a feeling. All I could do was think and pray. Hug a pillow. Cry and wait for the next phone call. He was fine, thank God, but the thought of not being there to go to the hospital, and the thought of him being alone was devastating. I know he's a grown man, and of course he was going to be fine, but that is part of my wife-ly duties! I'm supposed to be there to shower sympathy and support. It is possible, but it's really difficult to be a great nurse from 1500 miles away. I officially felt worthy of the worst-wife-ever award, and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.
I guess the feelings that event provoked are ones to get used to. In this lifestyle, it's more likely that we'll be apart than we'll be together, and missing moments in each other's lives is common. Yes, it's what we all signed up for, but that's not a crutch I feel comfortable leaning on. How do we, when separated by miles and continents and oceans, still be as much of a wife as the woman who sees her husband every night and can make him chicken soup when he's sick? Every time Romeo has ever gotten hurt, I wasn't there. I wasn't there to go to the hospital or doctor's appointments. I wasn't there to make his life any easier. Isn't that part of our end of the deal?
Of course Romeo understands why I am not there, neither one of us has any control over the circumstances that the Army has dealt. I believe that my mind can rationalize why I couldn't be there, but my heart just hurts. It feels like I'm not doing enough, like I should be leaping and bounding my way to an airport to get to him, because that's my job. I'm learning slowly that being a milspouse is so much more than endurance. It is so much more than waiting out a deployment. It's so much more than sacrifice. I'm learning that it is the complete opposite of your every expectation, of yourself and your GI Joe. When Romeo and I were married, I was hell-bent on being the Stepford Wife of the year. I expected myself to keep a lovely home, make amazing meals, balance lives and schedules, keep it all together, and most of all, be there. No matter what. Well, my house is clean, but far from "lovely". The most amazing meal that I've made in the past few months is the stack of pancakes I made the other night. My life, and my schedule is a trainwreck, and now, I'm not there. I'm not saying that I am unhappy or disappointed in myself, because there has been a lot of things that I never thought I could do, but I can honestly say that I have become the complete opposite of my expectations. I'm no Stepford Wife. At this point, I'm closer to Bob the Builder.