I can honestly say- I don't think that there is some big event in my life that I feel the need to forgive myself for. Everything, in my life, has happened for a reason. That is very clear to me.
Nonetheless, there is an event that I would've done something different.
Quite a few years ago, I lost someone very special to me. She was way too young to be gone- but as they say- only the good die young. She was the most glamorous woman I knew. She was elegant and classy. She was quick-witted and poised. She was, and always will be, one of a kind.
Before she passed away, she was very sick. She suffered a lot. She lost all of her hair, she traded her beautiful clothes for hospital gowns.
All during this time, which only lasted about 4 and a half months from the date of her diagnosis to her death, I wasn't there. I stayed too busy to think about it. I remained way too interested in everything other than should've mattered. I missed it.
When she passed, I remember gathering pictures, shopping for appropriate funeral attire. And I remember being told that there would be an opportunity to speak at her service. I admit that I tried to write something, and I think in the end, I had something prepared. But I didn't read it. I fought back the urge to stand up and say what I needed to say. And to this day- I'd re-do it in a heartbeat. If I could go back today and had the opportunity to speak in memorial of one of God's most amazing women, I'd stand up and scream what I needed to say.
So since I didn't do it then- I'm going to do it now.
When I had a head-full of golden ringlets, she may have been all-but gentle with that comb, but her soothing hugs were more than enough to cure any number of tears. When she walked, though she may have just tripped over her own feet, she stood as tall and graceful as a statue. To me, you were a Queen who lived in a castle. But to God, you were the Angel that he needed. I know that you're already making heaven an even more beautiful place.
There will always be times that Mom and I will need you, and I know that you'll still be there when we call, though now we don't need the phone. I know that you were watching when I went to prom, when I graduated and went to college. I carried you with me down the aisle the day I said "I do". You watch Mikaela and Evie and send your love through them. You stand by Sean as he continues to grow. You give Mike and Shannon the strength to be such remarkable parents. There are so many moments that I would've loved to share with you, though when I think about it, you were there watching.
I miss you daily, and I know I'm not the only one. You have touched a lot of lives. I know that I wouldn't be who I am without having known you. I would've never known that beer-drinking could still be classy. Your wordless life lessons have stayed with me, and I can only hope that I can share those lessons with my Goddaughter some day. Thank you for being the woman you were, irreplaceable.