Saturday, September 11, 2010

Day 1- My Flaws

Ok, I can honestly admit that I did indeed start this post yesterday... So in my mind, that counts.

Onto the purpose- I spent a considerable amount of time thinking about this post. Being the first of the 30-Day challenge, I wanted to start off giving this all of the effort that I could.
Flaws aren't anything that anyone ever wants to openly admit or discuss. Flaws, to me, are always that area that I spend time concealing, not sharing with the world. So this has proven to be quite the challenge.

Believe it or not, through my childhood and even until now, I've never really been a very independent person. When I was younger, I was always depending on my family to entertain me. I was tagging along with my brothers, or needing to have a friend to come over and play, otherwise I was a terribly bored, and often ornery kid. This has since continued to an extent. I still am not really content being alone. I've learned to adapt a bit, in that no longer do I need a girlfriend to go to the mall with, or someone to be spending every waking moment attached to. Though, there is an EXTREME difference (unfortunately for him) when Romeo is home. He is the one person that I will (for the lack of a better word) cling to. I hate that this is how I feel when he's here, but the sheer fact that we've only once spent more than a month together, I tend to suck up all of the time I can get. I know he feels it too... He feels like I am depending on him to entertain me, though that is certainly not my intention. I really just want to be with him. I'm more than happy just being with someone. Especially after months of being alone.

My best friend, N, will tell you, that I am way too quick to pass judgement. For the longest time, I fought with her about it. I thought she was outside of her mind. It wasn't until recently that I caught myself. I saw that ugly side that I had fought off for so long. I truly believe that I do not judge maliciously, but just to establish a ground. That may not make sense, but to me, it's moreorless a protective barrier. I judge to see who I can trust to open up to. And that, in retrospect, isn't the right thing to do. Who am I to judge? There is only one being that has the power to judge, and that is certainly not me.

Finally, my most predominant flaw, and the one that is the most frustrating, is the sheer fact that I cannot, no matter how hard I try, articulate my emotions. Romeo will tell you exactly how frustrating that is to listen to. I don't know what it is, but whenever I'm feeling something, I just cannot put into verbal words what that something is. I may know that I am upset, but not be able to pinpoint what exactly is upsetting me. I may be frustrated, but your guess is as good as mine what is truly frustrating me. I've gotten better with expressing my thoughts in writing. Usually, I can come up with some sort of a cohertant thought that way. But if I try just to spout out what I feel like during a conversation- whew. Good luck following that one.

Not that by any stretch of the imagination does that cover all of my flaws, but those are the ones I've concluded lately. They're flaws that make me- and sometimes they're flaws that will break me. I'm working on them, not that I want to change who I am, but I do want to be a better person. I guess that is what the next 29-days are for!

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