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The Start

Somewhere in Canada, there is a handsome soldier waiting impatiently for a flight crew so that he can work his way a few hundred miles closer to his home for the next year. He's counting the minutes, since the wait has already been long enough. It's already been nearly a week since our last kiss, what will be our last kiss for at least the next few months. Meanwhile, there's a lonely girl waiting through a hurricane, sitting in her corner of the couch, immersed in a Keeping up with the Kardashians marathon.
That's my story. Here I am. We're just beginning the next part of our journey, and so far, it's been off to a rocky start. Romeo has been bumped around from flight to flight, and delayed and rushed and everything in-between. I'm not sure the whole reality of the deployment has set in to me yet, things are still feeling like he's gone away on another TDY. Either way, as always, life goes on.
I have a lot of plans to keep myself busy throughout the next few months. Romeo and I are planning on taking a trip during R&R, so I'm anticipating organizing and looking forward to that. There are also a handful of household projects that I'd like to tackle, so hopefully I can get a kick-start on that as well. For now, I'm just taking it all in and trying to get a firm footing again. It seems pre-deployment life is just so tumultuous, that the calm after the storm is both calming and overwhelming at the same time.
So as the house shakes, and the wind continues to howl throughout the neighborhood, I'm going to hang out in my corner of the couch and hope for a moment to hear Romeo's voice. I'm praying for the safety of all of the East Coasters being effected by hurricane Irene.

Daylight Saving Screw-up

Is anyone else completely upside-down over one hour?

Holy Hannah.

Either way, this day has been a blur of all things unfocused and chaotic. I'll be resting my head early tonight in hopes of regaining my lost, precious hour.

The right kind of people

Mil wives, this one is for you.

Recently, I've gotten my first bitter taste of what it is to witness, or for some intensive purposes, play part to some of the unmentionable drama that is stereotypically our lives. During my time here at Fort Bragg, I've been blessed with the opportunity to meet a variety of women from a multitude of backgrounds and lifestyles. What ties us all together is the love for our men and our country, and the struggles that immense love and loyalty brings with it. I never believed that as a the spouse of a man that goes through what he does, that I would have had time to engross myself in petty drama and ridicule, and up to this point I have not. Unfortunately, that is not the case for a few women that share this walk of life.

A point that I must make in order to ensure understanding in this matter, is that I am a very loyal friend. A very loyal, very protective friend. Even more so now than ever, my friends are as close to my family and they can be. They are my sisters and my confidantes, my shoulders to lean on when my husband cannot be within an arm's reach. They are my family away from family and I treat and respect them just as my own. This said, when they are treated poorly by someone else, or disrespected, I am not one to stand by and watch it happen. This is the ambiguous story of the drama. Without going into too much detail, and without disclosing information that is unwarranted, I have learned that to some people, respect and common courtesy are not a high priority. It's a shame to think that even though each one of us are suffering similar struggles, we evidently cannot respect each other enough to be a good friend, rather than a burden.

Since this drama has subsided, I have made a vow to myself and my sisterfriends here, that I will not surround myself with the wrong kind of people. That I myself will work to be the best person and the best friend that I know how to be. That I will never make someone feel the way these awful women have, nor will I stand by and watch it happen. In this life, there is no time to divert our attention with the malicious and evil ways of others, but to merely better the lives and ease the struggles of the ones who care.

New beginnings

Amidst the chaos that has been the past few months of my life, those close to me have continued to mention the same ever-familiar mantra.

"What is meant to be, is meant to be."

This 9 word cliche is often overused, or even more frequently, misused to tame the embers of hurt and despair during difficult times. But on rare occasion, it is worth its' merit in gold, and can lead its' benefactor towards a path of contentment again.

And this is my story.

I'll save you the gory details, and summarize my miserable months in just a few words. They were merely that. Miserable. Six months ago, I had a fantastic job, was quickly climbing the corporate ladder and making a name for myself within the company. Three months ago, the rug was pulled out from under me, and as quickly as my success had come, it was taken away and I was unemployed. And devastated.

I took a few weeks of "funemployment", which in my terms meant time at home, catching up on things around the house, and doing my best to appreciate my time off. That lasted about 2 weeks, and my restlessness and determination to be back in the workplace had suddenly consumed me again. It was at this point that I became obsessed with job hunting and sending out resumes, thinking that my efforts would be fruitful and quick.

Wrong.

My disappointment in myself, now not only from losing my job to begin with, but from not being able to secure another one, was immense. My patience was wearing thin, and people closest to me came to bear the burden of my lost self-confidence.

It was just during this time that I was FINALLY offered a position to work in the local photography studio and frame shop. I wasn't entirely sold on the position, but it was a job, and I was in no position to turn it down. I began my time there, and learned to love it in a very short time. My coworkers and boss were amazing and though I was not thrilled at the compensation, it was a lot better than nothing. And in a brief moment, or should I say, in a brief phone call, it all fell together once again.

"What is meant to be, is meant to be."

After about a week and a half at the studio, I received a job offer that was everything that I could've asked for. I submitted my notice at the studio that very day, and began to count down the working hours until I could begin with my next great opportunity.

On Monday, March 7th, 2011, I began orientation for the single most rewarding and appreciative company that I could've imagined. I was thrilled. I am not at liberty to disclose exactly where or what this company may be, but I can say that I am so truly thankful that I have been given the chance to work for such an amazing organization. They give back to their employees tenfold. They provide every amenity and benefit and perk. They provide and joyful, thankful and merry workplace for all, and I could not be happier.

I can truly say, that despite my resentment for the cliche was seemingly on repeat through my miserable months, I am a believer. I am a believer that endlessly swinging pendulum of life will always swing back in the direction of our favor, that every trial results in triumph, and each triumph will be met with trial. I am a believer that even though it may be so simple to comprehend in our minds that "What is meant to be, is meant to be", it is not so simple to tell our hearts. I'm a believer that it's worth it. I have faith in fate and destiny, and that story eventually has a happy ending.

I'm so thankful for that.

And just like that....

I'm back in the game.

Just a few days ago, I was blogging about shelving my job search temporarily. Now, I'm rushing around trying to get myself together for my first day back to work! I am truly relieved that I am able to get back to work, but at the same time, I'm going to miss all of my new-found activities! I was finally starting to get used to life at home. I had begun to embrace life as a housewife, and was loving all of the time I had to spend with my friends.

I'm really excited about my new job, it kind of just fell onto my lap and I could not be more thrilled to begin! I'll be working as the assistant for the photographer who works specifically on-post. We have a TON of projects in the upcoming weeks and I am so pumped to dive right into it.

Anyway- I'll have more of an update later, and a re-cap of the things I've learned during my time at home. Until then, off to work I go!

Steps

The hardest steps in all of our journeys, are the first.

The first shoelace that's tied.

The first foot in front of the other.

This is a relative concept to most things. Both literally, and figuratively, the first steps are the biggest challenge. The first few words of a blog post, the first moments in the morning when you're deciding to get out of bed. The first attempt to reconcile a damaged relationship. The first Sunday back to Church. So many first steps we take on a daily basis. So many moments that we decide to overcome the challenge, instead of letting it overcome us.

Sometimes, when that challenge seems just a bit too daunting, we stand still. When the turmoil of what is to come seems like it is just too much, we close our eyes, lock our knees, and stand as a statue. It's a valid option to combating obstacles, but by standing still, we make no progress.

I'm making a vow to myself that I'm no longer going to stand on the sidelines. I'm not going to stand by and watch life pass before my eyes because I'm too afraid to take a step. Nope. I'm not just taking steps, I'm taking strides. I'm joining the race and leaving the weight of fear behind.

I challenge you, too. I challenge you to take even just baby steps, or shuffles, in the direction of progress. I challenge you to set your goals, and make them your finish line, not just a distant dream. So many of us treat our goals as dreams, as "someday" kind of thoughts. Goals aren't. Goals are attainable and just waiting for us to reach them.

How can we reach them if we aren't willing to move?

A lull for the sake of sanity

As most of you know, or could easily find out by reading my last few posts, I've had a lot of extra time on my hands lately, thanks to the lovely state of our economy. With all of this availability, I've done my best to occupy my days productively, by starting and completing a few projects around the house, getting back on track with my marathon training, and most of all, job hunting. Up to the end of last week, there has not been a day that has gone by that I have not submitted at least one application per day, and most days, I have submitted WAY more than just one. Needless to say, those tiresome hours typing and emailing away have, so far, been a fruitless effort. So, this week, I am on hiatus from the monotonous and exhausting work that is job hunting. Yes, I know, I know, I can't give up, and believe me, I'm not. But, I've made a vow to myself (and a few others) that I would put my faith in God, and truly believe that what is meant to be is meant to be.

Easier said than done.

Distracted

I am a very focused person. I set my mind to a task and will complete it without straying. Usually.
Lately, I am a mess of all things unorganized. Don't get my wrong, in this past week, I have scrubbed my house from top to bottom, but it has not been without struggle to stay on task. I'm not sure what it is, whether I'm suffering from adult-ADD, but my mind and thought are ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Right now, as I am supposed to be compiling my meal plan and grocery list for the next two weeks, I cannot for the life of me, actually sit down and complete it without being drawn to all things non-grocery. It's beginning to make me insane. I don't know whether I'm subconsciously avoiding something (perhaps something terribly haunting at the Commissary?) or if I just am not making enough effort to control my attention. I've even had issues engaging in conversation lately, not being able to listen thoroughly or even straying from my own thoughts when I'm speaking.
Who knows. I guess I'm just going through a "...look there's a squirrel"-phase. Eeek. It better end soon.
Any tips for better focus or concentration?

The best of intentions

Just finished up a walk with the furbabies, and during said excursion, after being forced to become a participant in a dog sled across frozen streets, I have come to the conclusion that I really need to get back on the strength-training regimen. I have spent the past two years doing nothing but immense amounts of cardio (running, swimming, spinning) and next to no strength work. Well, lo and behold, I can't even control my 60-lb Calymonster. I could run miles and miles with her, but if she decides to change direction, you best believe that I'm going with her whether I like it or not. Thus, to the gym I will go to work on some of those other muscles that I have neglected during my never-ending love affair with all things cardio.

As women, I think there is a certain challenge in figuring out a balance of exercises. Like I said, I am a cardio junkie (thank God, otherwise I'd be the size of a house!). But, my other muscles have bore the burden of my lack of proportion (somewhat literally). Honestly, I feel that I cannot do without cardio, because if I spent the amount of time that I do running on something like weight-lifting, I'd look like Arnold in no time. Not exactly the look I was going for. The way I see it, cardio keeps us svelte, but can also wither our bodies away to skeletons. Weight-lifting and strength work gives us the tone and definition that we all strive for, but also packs on the bulk if not done correctly. So what is the happy medium? To all you ladies (and gentlemen) out there, how do you incorporate all aspects of fitness into your exercise routines?

Getting it together

This time, last year, my world was upside-down. I was 3-weeks married to my GI Joe, and there he was, boarding a plane to earthquake land. I was in new place, with not a single familiar face. I had a brand-new job, and brand-new home, and a brand-new beginning all to myself.

Today, a year and 3 weeks into my marriage, I'm again upside-down. I now have my GI Joe here with me, and after nearly the entire year apart, we have had a whole lot of adjusting to do. We had both continued to grow, and fortunately, even despite the distance, had grown even closer together. We've have our fair share of obstacles, but all-in-all, we've come so far and have conquered all of the challenges that life has thrown our way.

Before Romeo and I were married, I did my best to prepare myself for the lifestyle that I was joining. I braced myself for deployments and PCS moves, for late shifts and random weekend formations. I did what I could to jump right into the perspective of a MilSpouse. Knowing now what events and struggles this past year has brought with it, I wasn't prepared at all. I wasn't ready for the emotions of being alone, and away from my familiar life. I wasn't ready for the growing and learning that I had ahead of me. I certainly wasn't prepared for reintegration and all that goes with it. But we did it. And now, a year later, I'm facing my newest learning experience.

A month ago, the week before Christmas, I was laid off. It was COMPLETELY unexpected, and a much bigger blow to our family than I could have anticipated. Fortunately, it worked out well that we were able to go home to our families in the North for a lot longer than we were originally planning. That served as great distraction from the feelings that I was fighting inside, but unfortunately just compressed the emotions when we returned. Needless to say, I've been doing my best to stay positive, but I've been having a few more bad-days than usual.

Last night, I got a chance to really talk about how I've been feeling. I was finally able to verbalize my whole range of emotions, and determine that the best that I can do right now, is to do what I can to make myself happy. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get myself to where I need/want to be, not only for myself, but for Romeo and our marriage. I'm learning to keep myself busy and occupied, to find things and activities that I enjoy, and to invest time in myself. I'm working on my faith in myself, in my life, and in my God.

I'm getting it together, slowly but surely. I'm getting my confidence back, and I'm working on seeing our circumstances from a new perspective. To all of those who have been supportive and been there for me throughout this time, thank you. I love you all for your patience and understanding, for your never-ending love and care.

'Tis the Season...

For Thanksgiving and Celebration.

Unfortunately, there are many men and women who will not be able to spend the Holidays with their loved ones this year. One of the many causes available to reach out to Soldiers and their families this Holiday Season, is the Recovering American Soldier Project.

This year, when sending out your Holiday cards, please take a single moment to address one to:

A Recovering American Soldier
c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center
6900 Georgia Avenue
NW Washington, DC20307-5001

It will only take a spare second of your time, and in that second, you could bring light to even the most dim of circumstances during this Holiday Season.

"No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks."

Fur-parenting

Oh Lord. It's a cold Sunday morning, 6:48am. My fur-babies are whining to go out and I am terribly comfortable and warm in bed. When I cannot stand the high-pitched squeals any longer, I get up, let the puppies outside and meander around the kitchen.

And then the high-pitched squealing commences.

I give it a minute, praying it will stop, and when it doesn't, I peek out the back door. Tank (our youngest furchild) is producing this ungodly sound at the edge of our closed pool.

Then I hear the sounds and see the splashing.

Caly, our older fur-baby, is flailing frantically in the middle of the pool. It's 33 degrees outside. What else would a fur-mommy do?

In the pool I go to pull Caly out.

My heart was fighting the freezing water by beating 19740898575 MPH. Caly and I get out of the pool, inside and wrapped in blankets. She's shaking, I'm shaking, and I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life!

I call Romeo, then the vet, then my Mom, then Romeo again. Caly is warmed up by now, and running around chasing Tank.

Thank God.

I have never been more sure that I am not ready or prepared to be a parent! I have never been more thankful for Tank and his obnoxious whining! I have never been more overjoyed to be whipped with Caly's lethal tail!

Happy Sunday!

Now that I've finally tamed my heartrate, I can honestly say that for at least awhile, I'm going to be a very cautious fur-parent. My Mom told me that you have to let your babies figure things out on their own, and sometimes they're going to have to hurt themselves to figure it out.

Reason #49586920 to wait to have children.

Goals for 22

Yesterday, I embarked on the journey into my 22nd year. It was a lovely day. I recieved some BEAUTIFUL flowers from my parents and from work, and a whole bunch of lovely birthday wishes. I spent the evening with good friends, who thankfully invited me to dinner for the big 2-2. I had a wonderful day, and I am so blessed.

My parents made mention to something that caught me a bit off guard, though. They had asked if my birthday wish came true, and to that, I replied, "It did, but it's held up in Texas and will arrive in xx days.", obviously referring to my wish that Romeo would be home with me. My Dad said something then, and you know, he really is the smartest Dad in the world, because he said:

"Don't be counting your days away. Even now, when you want your days to fly by, appreciate them, because soon enough, when life is back together again, and happier days are here, they're going to keep flying by, and before you know it, you're another year older."

Thank you, Poppy. You and Mom always know what to say to keep things in perspective.

Anyway, this all got me thinking. This past year has been the biggest whirlwind of my life. From marriage, to deployment, to home-buying and everything in-between, I've lost sight of a lot of things. This isn't necessarily bad, because I've outgrown a lot of hobbies, achieved a lot of goals, and grown into a better person than I was this time a year ago. It's now time to reassess the life I'm leading, and the person that I'm growing into, to better prepare for future success.

With that in mind, here's my life list for 22:

1. Go back to school, succeed, and step closer to your educational goals.

2. Pay off A LOT of debt. Build a secure savings.

3. Send cards, letters, packages. ON TIME.

4. Go to church.

5. Master a few dozen recipes, and come up with a few of my own.

6. Beat Romeo in a video game (without him letting me win!)

7. Run a marathon. Complete a p90x cycle.

8. Appreciate time with Romeo, be supportive and understanding, but true to myself and my feelings.

9. Continue to climb the ladder in my career, stay organized and focused.

10. Go skydiving.

11. Go on a vacation. Finally have a honeymoon.

12. Host a party or two (or three, or four, or five!)

13. Successfully cook Thanksgiving dinner.

14. Go hiking.

15. Run with Romeo.

16. Build something. Be crafty.

17. Volunteer. Coach a team.

18. Learn something about Romeo every day. Make up for lost time.

19. Keep in touch with family with more than just Facebook. Call, write, skype.

20. Always bring something when I am invited somewhere. Never show up empty handed.

21. Go to Biltmore Estate.

22. Be done with Christmas/Birthday shopping AHEAD OF TIME.

I'm sure as the year progresses and I (hopefully) start crossing these off of my list, there will be plenty more to add. I'm looking forward to a lot of things this year, but I'm not going to count down any more. I'm not going to count my days away, because when it comes down to it, aren't our days already numbered? Why waste precious moments wishing them away?

Protect and Serve

There aren't any combinations of words that could be even near appropriate enough to thank our Veterans for their sacrifices.

I know nothing of the sacrifices our Soldiers make. I can guess, I can be told, but I won't ever have a clue.

I'll never know what it feels like to walk away with such pride, despite how much it hurts.

I'll never know the fear or the rush of combat.

I'll never know the pain of losing a comrade.

I'll never know, nor have to find out, because our nation is blessed with brave men and women who are willing to sacrifice their lives so that the rest of us won't ever have to know how it feels.

I do know, though, how to love my Soldier.

And I do know how to support our troops.

And I do know, that without our Veterans, our lives as Americans would not be what they are.

Thank you, Veterans, past and present, for your endless sacrifice. You are the face of a True American.

Countdown To-Do List

With Romeo's arrival slowly inching towards right-around-the-corner, I have come to the realization that I have accomplished very little in the period of time that I've had to myself. With that in mind, I have concluded that I will be a very busy woman throughout the next few weeks. Adding all of the things to do at home to the chaos at work, I should be insane by Thanksgiving. Nonetheless, the time will pass quickly and my sanity will come back with Romeo.

So, without further distraction, here is the to-do list:

• Clean/Organize/Paint/Decorate the office. Not necessarily in that order.
• Shampoo the carpet, since my lovely furbabies decided to finger(paw)paint with an ink pen.
• Touch up the base boards.
• CLEAN- like fo' real.
• Tidy up the back yard
• Mow the lawn.
• Wash/Clean the vehicles
• Organize the man-cave

Ok, now that I actually documented the to-do list, it doesn't seem so bad. I'm sure there will be more to add to it in time, though.

Wish me luck!

Moments passed

Moments here. Moments there. In the most literal of terms, all of those moments happen, regardless of whether we're there for them or not. Moments of joy, frustration, content, angst, pain, pleasure. No matter whether we're participating or not, they're happening. That's terribly unsettling.

In my little world, all of those moments matter. They may not be a BIG deal, but they're a deal nonetheless. When I miss a moment that is not congruent with my universe, it's frustrating. And then, throughout Army life, where because of TDY's or deployments, we're nearly required to miss moments. I don't know that is something I'll ever get used to.

On Sunday night, Romeo was in an accident. I got the phone call at about 10:30pm, and from that point on, felt nothing but helpless. What a feeling. All I could do was think and pray. Hug a pillow. Cry and wait for the next phone call. He was fine, thank God, but the thought of not being there to go to the hospital, and the thought of him being alone was devastating. I know he's a grown man, and of course he was going to be fine, but that is part of my wife-ly duties! I'm supposed to be there to shower sympathy and support. It is possible, but it's really difficult to be a great nurse from 1500 miles away. I officially felt worthy of the worst-wife-ever award, and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it.

I guess the feelings that event provoked are ones to get used to. In this lifestyle, it's more likely that we'll be apart than we'll be together, and missing moments in each other's lives is common. Yes, it's what we all signed up for, but that's not a crutch I feel comfortable leaning on. How do we, when separated by miles and continents and oceans, still be as much of a wife as the woman who sees her husband every night and can make him chicken soup when he's sick? Every time Romeo has ever gotten hurt, I wasn't there. I wasn't there to go to the hospital or doctor's appointments. I wasn't there to make his life any easier. Isn't that part of our end of the deal?

Of course Romeo understands why I am not there, neither one of us has any control over the circumstances that the Army has dealt. I believe that my mind can rationalize why I couldn't be there, but my heart just hurts. It feels like I'm not doing enough, like I should be leaping and bounding my way to an airport to get to him, because that's my job. I'm learning slowly that being a milspouse is so much more than endurance. It is so much more than waiting out a deployment. It's so much more than sacrifice. I'm learning that it is the complete opposite of your every expectation, of yourself and your GI Joe. When Romeo and I were married, I was hell-bent on being the Stepford Wife of the year. I expected myself to keep a lovely home, make amazing meals, balance lives and schedules, keep it all together, and most of all, be there. No matter what. Well, my house is clean, but far from "lovely". The most amazing meal that I've made in the past few months is the stack of pancakes I made the other night. My life, and my schedule is a trainwreck, and now, I'm not there. I'm not saying that I am unhappy or disappointed in myself, because there has been a lot of things that I never thought I could do, but I can honestly say that I have become the complete opposite of my expectations. I'm no Stepford Wife. At this point, I'm closer to Bob the Builder.

So how do we get used to those moments passed? We vowed to be there "for better and worse", so how do we keep up our end of the bargain? Pictures? Letters? Emails? Conversations? Or do we just let them pass? This doesn't just go for you and your spouse's moments, this goes for family at home, or friends that have moved away. How do we continue to be the best wife/daughter/sister/friend from a distance?

How do we stay a part of someone's life when we miss so many moments passed?

It's a little late, but here's the weekend re-cap

I must preface this with saying that I had an AWESOME weekend. It was busy busy busy and just enough to keep my mind off of my countdowns. I spent time with some wonderful friends (even met a new one!), raced my little heart out, and even got some things done around the house.

On Friday, I was so excited to be taking a mini-roadtrip with J to Myrtle Beach to pick up our race packets and visit the fitness expo (and shop and carb-load). Well, in a not-so-favorable turn of events, work detained me (surprise, surprise) and I was unable to go. Luckily, J and her hubs M were able to head down and pick up both of our race packets (not without some coercing of the race coordinators, of course). After I FINALLY got done with my work-nonsense, I made plans with some other friends to head down-town for the local zombie-walk. I picked up M, and cut through base to get to my house. *Insert flashing lights and sirens here* ...and got pulled over by an MP. Eek. Sometimes, I feel like that is so much worse than being stopped by a regular police officer, only because the repercussions fall back on Romeo. Luckily, there was no ticket issued and we were on our way. We went down-town for the zombie-walk and met up with some more friends. Including Gumby:

We spent the rest of the evening strolling the streets and checking out the vendors and then, of course, observing the entertainment that is "Zombie-Walk".
As you can tell, it was a lot of fun for all ages. People were really creative and it definitely showed. The girls and I stayed for awhile, then went to dinner. It was a great night to get out of the house an spend with good friends.

On Saturday, I did some work around the house and then met up with Katie F from The Life of an Army Wife for the God Strong event at a local church. Sara Horn, the author, is a truly captivating speaker. I was so thankful to be able to spend the afternoon with Katie, as she is just as sweet as can be. We found that we have a lot of mil-spouse experiences in common, and it was wonderful just to sit and chat. I felt like I learned a lot from the event itself, and walked away feeling motivated and driven to be a more "God-Strong" individual. I definitely suggest this book to anyone, not just mil-spouses, as it provides a lot of strong motivators for all of life's tough situations.

That night, J and M and I grabbed a pre-race meal and settled in early because Sunday morning was coming awfully early.

Sunday was race day! We were on the road to Myrtle Beach by 3:30am, and I really couldn't contain my excitement as I dozed off in the backseat (note: sarcasm). Thank GOD for J's hubby M, because without him, I don't know that either J or I would've ever made it to the race! He's such a trooper- chauffering us around the east coast so that we can go run our little hearts out. Thanks M! (He's also a great photographer, all race images are thanks to him!) Anyway, the race began at 7:00am, and we were ready to go!

This was at 6am, and it was about 45 degrees outside. Don't worry! We warmed up fast!

The race was awesome! 13.1 miles of scenic Myrtle Beach- we ran around the local mall and "Broadway at the Beach", and we also ran through a few residential districts. We finished right on the beach! It was a great final push to the finish line with the ocean breeze at our backs. The run itself was tough, but we finished! We're both one step closer to competing in the Miami Marathon in January 2011. The best part of the whole race- the medals!

Please excuse my hot-mess-express-ness, I think I get a pass considering.
After the race, we were about as tired as can be, so we headed home. The night was relaxing until I got a phone call from Romeo- he and his friends had been in an accident and were en route to the local hospital. Needless to say, despite my exhaustion, sleep did not come easy that night. But, that I will save for another post. The good news is that all who were involved in the accident are okay, and are just a little sore. Thank God.

All in all, I had a fantastic weekend. I spent time with some really wonderful people, and accomplished one of my life-goals. I learned a lot about myself and my own strength, both physically and spiritually. I'm looking forward to this weekend because I will be heading home to spend some much-needed time with my families.

I'm counting Saturday mornings

That is my countdown method. I'm counting down Saturdays, I'm counting down trash days. I'm counting down mortgage payments, I'm counting down pay days. Every thing that there is to count, I'm counting. Grocery shopping days, breakfasts, laundry nights. Every single thing there is to count, I'm counting on. I'm counting on all of these things to keep me sane and to force the time to pass. And now, I'm just counting myself crazy.

There are so many compulsive comforts that we develop while we're waiting for something. Counting, excessive time consumption, landmarking moments. I don't know that it's healthy, often because those compulsive comforts carry over even after the waiting is over. Except once the waiting is over, the counting is exactly what does drive us mad. Counting down until the next time he leaves. Waiting for the next phone call or set of orders.

Spending time counting... what kind of life is that? Spending moment after moment counting down to something, and then once that something happens, a new countdown starts. It's an ugly cycle. But it is a comfortable and stable cycle, especially in a life of no stability. Counting is my security blanket.

When the missing sneak in

Intriguing, right? I'm not talking about missing people. Well, actually, I am. Not "missing" as in missing-poster-face-on-a-milk-carton kind of missing, but the feeling of missing someone. And I'm talking about how it will creep up out of nowhere.

Somedays, it comes as a dull ache in your chest. Like someone has your heart in a vice, and is just ever-so-slowly turning the lever and closing tighter and tighter. The pressure builds and builds until you pop. Other days, it's like taking a bullet. It's fast and terribly painful and as quickly as it comes, it passes. Either way, it happens when it is least expected.

At times, I'm convinced that I'm losing my sanity. I could be putting dishes back in the cabinet and out of nowhere, I'm sobbing. All because I remembered the feeling of hating putting dishes away at my parent's house, and now, I would give anything to be standing in their kitchen. I was in the middle of a board meeting, and just like that, it was as if the hot-mess-express-train-of-agony just crashed into me, and I was fighting tears because of a ringtone. A RINGTONE! The pain lasts a few moments, and then it is gone as quickly as it came.

As the Queen of Composure (NOT!), I obviously have a million go-to-excuses for when these moments hit. Allergies are my favorite- it covers the cracking voice and the tearing eyes. Until I can train my free-willed emotions to control themselves, I will rely on my little white lies to get me through the day without people thinking I am an absolute basket-case.

It all comes and it goes. I'll have a few really great days, then a really not-good one. Then maybe just a few "okay" ones here and there. The whirlwind moments are what really get me. The sneak in and mess up your makeup, then leave without any ounce of remorse.

Those missings are awfully sneaky.